Balancing the Mental Load of Motherhood

This post is about balancing the mental load of motherhood against losing our identity.

Motherhood is a journey akin to a tempestuous sea, with its ebbs and flows of sleepless nights, tiny hands that leave imprints on our hearts, and laughter that dances like sunlight on water. Yet, amidst this beautiful chaos, we may find ourselves adrift, like a ship in search of its lost compass.

I came at motherhood with purpose and with every fiber of my being. Like other life-altering circumstances, some of which were way beyond my control, there was little deliberating and a lot of accepted challenges.

My first job after college was teaching in an inner-city district, fraught with obstacles. I loved that job and stayed there for over a decade. My roles changed during those years, but I learned and grew professionally.

It was in that job that I learned to blend toughness and softness and know when to use both. That job was a daily testament to the saying, “the best laid plans…” I credit my time spent there with shaping the kind of mother I didn’t know I’d become.

The choice to enter motherhood and have four kids in four and a half years was one I made consciously and deliberately. But stepping into motherhood is like embarking on a voyage to an uncharted land, guided only by the stars of anticipation and a heart brimming with hope.

Balancing the mental load of motherhood is a whirlwind adventure, filled with sleepless nights, sticky fingers, and heartwarming giggles. It’s easy to feel like you’ve misplaced a piece of your old self along the way. Motherhood can sometimes send you on a scavenger hunt for your pre-mom identity.

Like a puzzle missing a piece, we moms often unknowingly lose fragments of our identity, unconsciously giving them to our little ones as we nurture and guide them through life. Here are some of those fragments.

Your Wardrobe Has Changed

Remember your stylish pre-mom outfits? Yeah, I don’t either. Our pre-mom selves, resplendent in vibrant hues and daring patterns, now rest in the shadows of closets, eclipsed by a sea of soft, forgiving fabrics.

I embrace athleisure. Yoga pants are great when you’re running after toddlers and hopping in and out of the car to drive kids around. Now that my kids are older, I’m grateful for comfortable clothes that stretch and move better than I do.

Admittedly, I’m still holding on to some of my younger self favorites. Let’s be honest, they’re not even in style anymore, but purging them seems like a betrayal of my former self, so I’m holding on a while longer.

Multi-Tasking Is Your Life

Once, we balanced dreams on the delicate threads of our fingertips. Now, we weave tapestries of love, simultaneously tending to a chorus of needs. My tapestry is held together by play dough, glue sticks and probably some dried snot.

As moms, we tend to put ourselves last. Who has time to think of themselves while answering a toddler’s million questions while simultaneously nursing a baby, signing for a package, and flipping pancakes? I’m pretty sure the mail carrier or UPS driver has seen my boob. Balancing the mental load of motherhood with the physical demands of the job make it easy to put our needs last.

As the kids got older and their schedules dominated the evening hours, it got harder to find a piece of myself in the avalanche of a typical day. Returning to full-time work left crumbs of time to reconnect with the old me. Before kids, I read all the time. I traveled. I had great clothes!

Once I became a mom, none of that mattered. My kids are so close in age that there was no time to check in with me before the next baby joined the family. The Chaos Kingdom needs my full attention. The surrender to total selflessness is beautiful and complicated.

Our identity, once defined by individual pursuits and ambitions, now finds its essence in the seamless blend of nurturing and managing. We become shape-shifters, seamlessly transitioning from caregiver to problem solver, from chef to storyteller. While our roles multiply, our sense of self deepens, each task a brushstroke adding to the masterpiece that is motherhood. And in this intricate dance of giving and managing, we find a new facet of our identity, one that is resilient, resourceful, and radiantly alive.

Embrace the chaos. It’s all part of the symphony of motherhood. Each note is a testament to the strength and grace that resides within you. Feel the harmony, for in the cacophony lies a melody uniquely yours. That melody will sing in your heart and the hearts of the family you nurture forever.

We Talk About Our Kids a Lot

We need to connect with other moms to share our joys and miseries, and to help us balance the mental load of motherhood.

It’s hard to find things to talk about with friends that don’t center around your collective mob of tiny humans. Mundane chatter about blowout diapers, potty training, and sports practice replaces former conversations about art, books, current events, and ideas.

I left my career behind when I had Kissy. Nugget, Starlie and Salt arrived in rapid succession after their sister. Art in my world was finger painting, scribbles on walls, and the day Kissy spray painted the dog pink and green. Goodnight Moon, and later the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series were the books being talked about in the Chaos Kingdom. And current events were replaced by school events and extracurricular schedules.

Diving into discussions beyond the realm of baby babble is like discovering a hidden treasure chest in the depths of a bustling marketplace. These conversations are like a rare, exquisite note that stands out in a chorus of lullabies and nursery rhymes. In the Chaos Kingdom, sometimes that chorus is more akin to a heavy metal band, depending on the day.

Nonetheless, they are the secret passages that lead us back to the rich tapestry of our own interests, dreams, and desires, and remind us that we are more than just mothers – we are vibrant, multifaceted women with stories and passions waiting to be shared. Discussions like these connect us to our former selves and remind us how complex and rich we are.

The Pursuit of “Me Time”

Time seems to slip through our fingers like grains of sand. Yet, it is within these moments, however brief, that we can mend the frayed edges of our souls.

Whether you work outside the home, or you’re a stay-at-home mom, finding time for self-care is like finding a lost pacifier in a ball pit at the indoor play place. Being home with my kids was like dancing through a field of wildflowers. Each moment is filled with the beauty of fulfillment and wonder. But the dance is relentless and exhausting. It left me both invigorated and satisfied, but yearning for a moment’s rest.

Managing four kids, a home, and a full-time job really is like herding kittens. Like a lot of moms, after the kids went to bed, I’d stay up way past late just trying to soak in the silence and the solitude, stealing a few moments to balance the mental load of motherhood with my own needs.

On an airplane, we’re always instructed to put our air masks on before helping others. That’s good advice I wish I’d taken. It’s ok to leave the kids with dad for a while. They’ll probably eat cookies for breakfast and not brush their teeth, but it’s ok. Once in a while.

Coming Soon: You 2.0

Through the chaos and the cuddles, we find a version of ourselves that is both familiar and transformed, a woman who can conquer any task with grace and humor. Multitasking moms are the unsung heroes of everyday magic, whose superpowers lie in the ability to balance it all while still being true to themselves. Keep shining, keep juggling, and keep embracing the beautiful complexity that is motherhood.

As I balance the mental load of motherhood, I find myself in a chapter where the demands of little hands have gradually eased, allowing space for new adventures. The echoes of laughter and bedtime stories have made room for quiet moments of introspection and rediscovery. Now, as my children step forward into their own paths, I have the chance to revisit old friendships, their roots intertwined with memories of shared joys and trials. It’s like tending to a garden that has patiently waited for its caretaker’s return, each bloom a testament to the enduring power of connection.

I find solace in the pages of books, each word a stepping stone towards new worlds and insights. The thrill of learning, once reserved for helping with homework, now expands into uncharted territories, broadening my horizons.

My nest isn’t empty yet. Inevitably, it will be. The long days with babies and toddlers have turned into years speeding by like a bullet train now that Kissy, Nugget, Starlie, and Salt are teens and young adults. The next chapter is coming and I can’t slow down time.