This post is about the reasons why I don’t want my child to be happy all the time. All opinions are my own. This post may contain affiliate links. I may earn a small commission, at no additional cost to you, should you make a purchase. Read more in my Privacy Policy.
As parents, there’s nothing quite like the joy of seeing our children happy. Their smiles light up our world, and their laughter fills our hearts with warmth. But here’s the reality: I don’t want my child to be happy all the time.
Now, before you reach for the pitchforks, hear me out. While happiness is undeniably important, a constant state of bliss isn’t the recipe for a well-rounded, resilient adult. In fact, there’s a ton of value to be found in the occasional disappointment, the frustration of not getting what you want, and even the sting of defeat.
There’s a lot to be learned when life sucks as a kid. So if your kiddo is living in Suckville temporarily, be glad. Here’s why:
Disappointment Fuels Growth
Imagine a child who always gets the toy they want, aces every test without effort, and never faces a setback. While this might seem idyllic, it removes the crucial element of striving.
As adults, we don’t get everything we want, when we want it. Sometimes we don’t get what we want at all. Ever. I don’t want my children to be happy all the time because I want them to become resilient adults.
When kids don’t get what they want, they’ll be ok. I promise. My kids didn’t get what they wanted, probably most of the time. I mean, there are four of them. I would always, say to them, “the pie is only so big. Everyone’s piece is smaller.” And they learned to live with that.
They definitely didn’t get what some of their friends got. They’ve all failed a test or two along the way. They’ve certainly broken more bones than I can count and have overcome the setback of being out of their sport for a season or more.
That was the worst. The injuries that left them sitting home, healing, waiting, and the endless hours of physical therapy. As their mom, it was rough for me to watch.
While the disappointment was brutal for both of us, it taught them to be resilient and work hard to get back into the game. That’s priceless (minus the insurance deductible!),
Disappointment, when handled constructively, teaches children valuable lessons about effort, improvement, and delayed gratification. It motivates them to try harder next time, develop problem-solving skills, and appreciate the rewards that come after overcoming challenges.
Patience is a Learned Skill
I don’t want my children to be happy all the time because I want them to learn patience. Instant gratification is a recipe for entitlement and frustration.
In this world of instant everything, waiting for anything is hard. Tom Petty said, “The waiting is the hardest part.” I’m dating myself. But he was right in all things about waiting. If you’re too young to know who Tom Petty was, search for him. You’ll get an answer instantly.
But I digress…
As adults, we don’t get what we want, when we want it. So teaching our tiny humans now to wait for something is a good idea.
When my kids were younger, a lot of their peers got what they wanted, when they wanted it. Sadly for Kissy, Nugget, Starlie and Salt, their parents just couldn’t and wouldn’t support that level of service. I could provide smaller treats and surprises occasionally.
Necessities were always taken care of. But the wants, the cool new toys or latest gadget, had to go on the Birthday and Christmas Lists. And they had to wait.
Giving your kids what they want the minute they want it fuels entitlement. That’s a recipe for disaster later.
In a large family like mine, some kid is always waiting for something. Always. It’s a built-in practice in patience living in a large family.
Everyone doesn’t get what they want when they want it. It’s impossible to make everyone happy all the time, but everyone gets what they need. Even if they have to wait for it sometimes.
When children learn to wait for what they want, they develop emotional regulation and a stronger sense of delayed gratification. This not only benefits them in childhood but also sets them up for success in the long run.
I am a firm believer that anything that is worth having is worth waiting for.
True Happiness Requires Contrast
A perfect world sounds pretty good, right? But without experiencing sadness, disappointment, or frustration, how would we truly appreciate happiness?
Utopia doesn’t exist. Some days are great, some are good, and some just plain suck.
While there is always something to be grateful for and we can find the good in even the worst of situations, sometimes, things just suck.
I like to try to find something positive in even the worst situations. But the world isn’t always sunshine and rainbows and that’s ok. It’s ok for kids to have a bad day, or part of a day. Let’s not pretend that’s never going to happen.
The key is to acknowledge that life sometimes sucks, validate your kid’s feeling and remind him/her that nothing is permanent and that tomorrow is chance to start over.
In my house, there’s a good chance some kid will be unhappy for at least a little while, daily. I’m ok with this. There is A LOT of contrast in my house! Navigating the hard times with the tiny humans is sometimes exhausting and tries my patience, but I welcome it.
I don’t want my child to be happy all the time because I want them to recognize and cherish genuine happiness when it arrives. Navigating difficult emotions allows them to develop a healthy perspective and savor the good times even more.
Failure is a Stepping Stone
Shielding our children from failure might seem like protecting them, but it hinders their growth. I don’t want my child to be happy all the time because I want them to learn from setbacks.
Failing at something teaches valuable lessons about resilience, grit, and the importance of getting back up after a fall. It fosters a growth mindset and prepares them for the inevitable challenges of life.
Even toddlers are young enough to learn from failure. A skinned knee, while painful, can teach a little one that it’s ok to fall down. How we react as parents, determines whether or not they get back up and continue to run, or they grow fearful that they’ll fall again.
How we handle those little setbacks sets the stage for how we handle the big failures. And there will be bigger failures as they grow. The literal fall of a toddler and it’s subsequent reaction by the parent, says a lot about how we’ll handle the big falls later.
So, let them stumble and fall. Let them make mistakes and figure it out.
When we step back and curb our intuitiveness to protect our kids from failure, we allow them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and become problem-solvers.
Losing Builds Character
Winning is great, but so is losing gracefully. I don’t want my child to be happy all the time because I want them to learn sportsmanship and empathy.
My kids have always played sports. They have been on the winning and losing end many times. I don’t care. Winning never mattered to me. The thrill of winning is always fun. The failures and the setbacks are part of life.
I always ask my kids after a game or a meet, “Did you have fun?” and I always say, ” I love to watch you play” because it’s the truth.
You may want to read I Don’t Pay for My Kids’ Sports.
Losing teaches children to accept defeat, be a gracious loser, and celebrate the victories of others. This fosters healthy competition and builds well-rounded individuals.
It’s Good to Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
Stepping outside our comfort zone is where growth happens. Whether it’s trying a new sport, making a new friend, or taking on a challenging task, venturing into the unknown allows children to discover new skills and strengths.
Change is hard. Hard often comes with unhappiness. It’s important for kids to know that they can do hard things. Oh, Hell, it’s important for adults. too. Change is good.
I love Kara Lawson, the women’s basketball coach at Duke University. She’s fabulously inspirational and she talks about handling hard better. I watch her all the time. You can watch her speech about handling hard better below.
I don’t want my child to be happy all the time because I want them to embrace discomfort as a catalyst for personal development.
Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Want Your Child to be Happy All the Time Either
By allowing our children to experience the full spectrum of emotions, we equip them with the tools they need to navigate the complexities of life.
I don’t want my child to be happy all the time, but I do want them to experience true happiness – the kind that comes from overcoming challenges, appreciating the good times, and learning from the not-so-good times.
This is the foundation for building resilient, adaptable, and successful individuals who can embrace life’s full spectrum of experiences.
Share some of your experiences parenting your unhappy kiddos. We’d love to hear from you about how you teach resilience and patience to your tiny humans. Drop a comment below.
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That time they waited years for a puppy. Or two
