This post is about parenting a strong-willed child. It includes identifying behaviors of and strategies for parenting strong-willed children. All opinions are my own. This post may contain affiliate links. I may make a small commission, at no additional cost to you, should you make a purchase through my links. Read more in my Privacy Policy.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re herding cats or taming a tornado, you’re not alone. Parenting a strong-willed child can feel like navigating uncharted territory. I have four kids and I have one strong-willed child. Starlie has made me utter the words, “Jesus, take the wheel!” more than I can remember.
Starlie is number three in the lineup. She’s not the baby. But she’s not quite the middle child either. She’s somewhere between a crashing wave and a sturdy lighthouse, relentless in her energy yet unwavering in her resolve. She is a maelstrom of emotions, and she has always kept me on my toes.
If you have one of these kids, you know. If you have one of these kids, you might also be wondering how you’re going to survive parenting your strong-willed child.
These pint-sized powerhouses possess a fiery spirit and an unwavering determination that can leave even the most seasoned parents feeling adrift. But beneath their stubborn exterior lies a heart of gold, filled with boundless curiosity, creativity, and resilience. Grab a cup of coffee (or a glass of wine, no judgment here) and let’s dive into the adventure of parenting a strong-willed child.
Characteristics of a Strong-Willed Child
Persistence
Like a dog with a bone, they never give up on their goals, no matter how challenging or improbable.
Your child is determined to build a Lego tower taller than themselves. Despite numerous collapses, they continue rebuilding until they achieve their goal.
Assertiveness
They know what they want and aren’t afraid to speak up and advocate for themselves – even if it means ruffling a few feathers along the way.
Your child insists on wearing their favorite superhero cape to school, despite it not being part of the dress code. They adamantly defend their choice, arguing that it gives them courage.
Independence
From an early age, they crave autonomy and resist being told what to do, preferring to forge their own path.
Your child may insist on tying their own shoes, even though it takes them twice as long and results in lopsided knots. They refuse help, determined to master the skill independently.
Passion
When they find something they’re passionate about, they pursue it with an intensity that can be both awe-inspiring and exhausting.
These traits may drive you crazy now, but they will be exactly what you want in a young adult later.
From the time she could crawl, I knew that Starlie was fiercely independent. As a baby, she was a fearless risk-taker. By the time she could talk, she was a challenge to my sanity. She still is, but in the best possible way.
Which Strong-Willed Child is Yours?
The Negotiator
Your strong-willed child approaches every situation like a seasoned diplomat, bargaining and bartering their way to victory. This child could negotiate your next car deal with his or her finesse.
An example of this is when your child negotiates for extra screen time by promising to finish their chores without complaint or delay.
The Rule Bender
Despite your best efforts to enforce rules and boundaries, your strong-willed child sees them as mere suggestions to be challenged and tested.
Starlie is a master rule-bender. In middle school, she convinced me to leave her home with my husband so she could dog-sit for the neighbor while I traveled for a few days with the other children.
Against my hard rule, she had planned a party in my absence. She threw the party, did a stellar clean-up job, and she might have gotten away with it, had I not spied the tiniest piece of a potato chip in a corner on the floor.
Starlie used her negotiation skills to convince me to let her stay home, and true to her rule-bending self, threw a themed rager. She’s got mad skills. I’ll give her that.
Defiant Diva
They have a knack for defying authority and questioning the status quo, marching to the beat of their own drum with unwavering confidence.
An example is when your child refuses to participate in a school assignment they deem irrelevant, opting to pursue their own project instead.
Starlie has been non-compliant most of her life. Somehow she always lands on her feet and is facing in the right direction. Her inner compass is typically accurate, which still surprises me.
Head of the Drama Department
Every minor setback is met with a theatrical display of tears, tantrums, and declarations of injustice, leaving you wondering how such a small person can possess such dramatic flair.
An example of this is when your child throws a tantrum in the grocery store when you refuse to buy them a sugary snack, causing a scene that leaves other shoppers staring in disbelief. Read The Toddler Tantrum Survival Guide to learn how to deal with these theatrics.
Tweens and teens are a lot like toddlers when they’re having a tantrum. They’re just bigger. Strong-willed tots turn into larger versions of themselves later, so prepare yourself!
So, how do we deal with these willful, little powerhouses? I’m not going to lie. Sometimes, you’ll just have to ride out the storm with patience and just be quiet.
When you do need to step in, try this.
Strategies for Taming Your Little Tornado
Set Clear Boundaries
Strong-willed children thrive on structure and consistency. Set clear, age-appropriate boundaries and stick to them, even when faced with resistance. Be first but fair in your expectations, and avoid making empty threats or ultimatums.
I live by the motto, “Say it. Mean it. Do it.” It’s simple and effective. I highly suggest you think before you blurt out some ridiculous consequence that punishes you more than it punishes your kid. Take a page out of Daniel Tiger’s book and take a deep breath, and count to four. Oh hell, count to ten. Maybe twenty.
A few years ago, a friend and I were at the beach with our kids. Her kids are younger than mine. One of her kids was acting up (and I was so relieved it wasn’t one of mine for a change!). We talked about the threat of saying, “If you do that again, we’re leaving the beach!”
Hell no! We do not want to leave the beach! But we do want to make our point that inappropriate behavior has consequences.
At the entrance to the beach, there is a bench. You know what else is at the entrance to the beach? The hot street with no sea breeze. The bench is a pretty miserable place to spend a few minutes of time out.
You get the idea. My friend took her kid to the bench and he was miserable. She made her point and no one left the beach.
So think before you utter a threat that punishes you too! Because once you say it, it’s best to follow through or your strong-willed child will think you’re a pushover.
That doesn’t mean Starlie has never stepped over the line and defied the boundary. She has. So many times!
One of my favorite times was the day she stowed away in the trunk of my car. She was misbehaving and some of the kids and I were headed to the beach for the day. Because she was her typical defiant self, I told her she couldn’t come with us and left her home with the rest of the family who wasn’t going. Or at least that’s what I thought.
I drove all the way to the beach. We stopped to grab sandwiches. Nugget ordered two sandwiches. I guessed she was just a typical, hungry, growing girl.
We arrived at the beach and Starlie hops out of the trunk. Her siblings knew she was in there. I didn’t.
I don’t even have the words to describe my emotions at that moment. We all laughed because at that point, I couldn’t be mad at her anymore. I was just glad she was safe.
Offer Choices
Strong-willed children crave autonomy and independence. Instead of dictating every aspect of their lives, offer them choices whenever possible. This not only gives them a sense of control, but also helps them develop decision-making skills and a sense of responsibility.
Just make sure your choices are a win for both of you. Too many choices is confusing for small children. For example, you might offer your tiny human two choices for lunch, or clothing, or whatever. Choices are great and empowering for little ones.
I’ve said this before and I will say it again: Never ask a yes or no question unless you are willing to accept either answer.
For example, if you want your little one (or big one) to eat a vegetable, you wouldn’t say, “Do you want a vegetable with that?”
Instead, you might say something like, “Would you like carrots or broccoli with dinner tonight?” Always make sure it’s a win/win when you’re offering choices.
Practice Empathy and Understanding
Strong-willed children may seem tough on the outside, but they’re often sensitive and deeply empathetic on the inside. Take the time to listen to their thoughts and feelings, and validate their emotions – even when you disagree with their actions.
Starlie is so tough and confident. Sometimes it’s easy to forget how deeply feeling she is. She is incredibly sensitive under her tough exterior. She hides it well, but I catch little glimpses of it every so often.
Strong-willed children have complex emotions.
Keep Calm and Carry On
Strong-willed children have a knack for pushing buttons and testing limits, but it’s important not to take the bait. Stay calm, cool, and collected in the face of their defiance, and avoid getting drawn into power struggles. Be consistent in your responses and follow through with consequences when necessary.
This takes a lot of patience and practice. I’m a first generation gentle parent. I’m a work in progress.
I have to mindfully breathe and I do yoga so I don’t lose my #*!@ with some of the shenanigans I navigate as a parent.
Encourage Their Strengths
While strong-willed children can be challenging to parents, they also possess many admirable qualities – determination, independence, and resilience, to name a few.
Encourage them to channel their energy into positive outlets like sports, creative pursuits, or community service, and celebrate their successes along the way.
Whether you have a toddler, a tween or a teen, If you are parenting a strong-willed child, you are not alone. Check out these books about surviving the tornado for more support.
The Strong-Willed Mama: Surviving and Thriving Raising Strong-Willed Children by Tami Overhauser
The New Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson
Parenting a strong-willed child is akin to taming a tornado – it’s a whirlwind of energy, challenges, and occasional chaos. Yet, amidst the turbulence, there are moments of clarity, growth, and sheer awe at the resilience of both parent and child. So, as you navigate the tempestuous terrain of raising a strong-willed child, remember that every storm eventually subsides, leaving behind a landscape transformed by the journey. With patience, perseverance, and a steady hand on the helm, you can tame the tornado and emerge stronger, wiser, and more resilient than ever before.
If you have a strong-willed child, drop a comment below. We’d love to hear your stories and insight.
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